Talk with Kirsten - Depression

Hello You,

I know it’s been quite some time since my last blog post and to be completely frank I have no excuse other then the fact that I am undoubtably sh*t at this. However I am determined to improve upon my blogging skills and I hope to take you on this adventure with me.

When I start to think about writing another blog post I often find myself with the dilemma of what to write about. I over think EVERYTHING and therefore write nothing. 

I don’t know how to write a professional blog or really what I’m doing at all right now, but that will not stop me from trying to communicate with you. So instead of a topic of beauty, fashion, trips, sorority, or anything else, I will just talk to you. Now I’m not saying that I will never discuss the other topics specified, but I need to find a way to help you get to know me better and help me find myself within my blog.

So for today I want to just talk to you like a friend and let you know what’s been going on in my life. I’m going to back up a bit to show you how I came to be who I am right now, typing on this computer. 

WARNING the below is a very honest and true conversation that is hard for me to share. If you feel uncomfortable at any time then please click away, I wont be hurt if you don't read then entire thing. This information is not to make you feel bad for me, but to help others out there who are going through what I am find solace in the fact that they are not alone. This will be longer then most of my other posts, but I really want you to understand who I am and why I am here.

courtesy of google images

Talk with Kirsten:

A little over a year ago I came to the realization that I was not happy. Now I’m not talking about the kind of sadness you get when you fail a test (of which I’ve had my fair share of) or when you stub your toe (also of which happens all too frequently in my life). I am talking about depression. I feel as though this word gets tossed around too often in everyday life. People claim that they are depressed and they very well may be, but a lot of the times what people perceive as depression is just the everyday broken heart or bad day.

I started to realize that I was loosing myself. I stopped filming and watching films (of which is one of my greatest passions and loves in life), I found myself never leaving my room, sleeping immense hours of the day, and never wanting to be around people. I even had the occasional thought of “What would happen if I was no longer here?” To make this very clear, I was never suicidal to the point of trying anything or even getting close to doing anything to harm myself, however I will not deny that I occasionally wondered about a lot of aspects of life and death that I had never ventured into prior.

As a kid growing up I felt “normal” (whatever that means). I never showed signs of depression and neither did any of my family, so when I came to the idea of depression during my sophomore year at university, I passed it aside. I gave it not a second nod. Then I started to really notice that I was deteriorating. 

(Let me fill you in on one key item that I have yet to mention. Leaving high school I was heavier than most girls but not by too much, but my insecurities with myself and bad habits let to weight gain and soon enough I felt like an elephant. This was the trigger for my depression)

I was deteriorating and I could actually see it happening. I had just joined an amazing sorority and yet I was far from ready to be social. I rarely got out of the house and when I did I hid behind sweatshirts and false smiles. Every day seemed forced and each morning it was harder and harder to get out of bed. Food stopped tasting and I found little comfort in anything.

One night whilst filming a video for my YouTube channel I got a call from my mother. As I talked to her about how I was feeling I realized I had yet to turn off my camera. I had accidentally logged the moment I came to grips with the fact that I had depression. And what really shocked me was that my mother shared her struggles with depression that I never knew about. Now I will probably never post the video footage, but I look back on it to remind me of where I was. Still when I look back on the video I can not identify the girl on screen. She was a wreck and sad, and that is one thing I never wanted to be. So I used that video footage as motivation to get better and find help.

The next week I met with a doctor at my campus and they said that I depression and should make an appointment with my doctor at home as soon as possible. I drove home that weekend and met with my doctor who talked to me for a good hour asking me questions like, “Do you like yourself right now?”, “Do you enjoy being around people?”, “When was the last time you felt like your old self?” and “Why do you think you stopped doing what makes you happy?” I’m not going to lie, I started to cry during my session with her because she made it very clear to me and my mom that I was suffering from depression. I was prescribed pills and sent home with information on people I could talk to. 

Now I’m going to fast foreword to this past July.

About four months ago I thought I had my depression under control and would be fine leaving the pills. I told my mom that I had been having troubles remembering to take my medication and that I felt as though I would be fine sans help. So we called my doctor and got permission to stop my medication. (If you have ANY medication needs ALWAYS consult your doctor before taking or stopping any medication)

I am still to this day not on anything but oxygen and it feels good, however there are some days that I wonder if I would be better to be back on my medication but then I think of you. 

Yes this may sound crazy and confusing, but you, meaning; YouTubers, Instagramers, Bloggers, Photographers, Painters, Comedians, etc... You helped me find myself. I am not saying I am done in the search for myself, but the social structure of the internet has grabbed my attention and led me to a fantastic place in my life. 

I decided to start a YouTube channel back in march because I loved watching the videos that certain channels produce and wanted to try my hand at it. I love videography and creating content that can connect with an audience and that is why I do it. Then I realized that there was a whole bunch of communities like YouTube out there that I could connect with and try out as a way to find myself. So I started this very blog.

I know I have been horrid at keeping up with it, but that doesn’t mean I can not improve. I have faced my hardest obstacle in life so far, my depression, and now I am ready to climb another wall. So This is my apology to you. Even though I am new at this blogging stuff and don’t really know what I’m doing, I want to learn and grow as a team and a community. I want to find myself and sometimes the best way to do that is to throw yourself into something you have never done before. I’m jumping overboard because there is no other way to tell if I will swim or sink.

Before I end this post I wanted to post a video that I found circling around facebook that really hit home for me. I am so proud of Kevin Breel for what he is doing. Depression is not a thing to be ashamed of. It's hard to admit that we have it, but with help from people around you; family, friends, strangers... we can create a better world. Please take the time to really watch and understand what this brilliant man has to say, it will change lives.

This has been a long and out of norm post, but I wanted you to learn a tid bit about me and why I started this blog. “The Kirsten Nicole Project” was not a name that I just came up with out of nowhere, it stands for something. TKNP (as I like to call it) is named so because it’s my diary of finding myself. This blog is a project to help me discover who I am and who I want to be while bring you all along for the ride.

My next post I will probably be back to some lighter topics like my recent unhealthy obsession for MasterChef Junior or a DIY project I have been working on lately. Either way I will be posting more of these “Talk with Kirsten” as a way to connect with you on a deeper level. 

If you want to chat, ask me anything, or voice your opinion, do not hesitate to comment below and I will try to get back to you.

Thanks for sticking through this post and I will see you next time.

Love Always,

Kirsten Nicole